I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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