Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Boobs speak an international language.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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