she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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