when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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