I think I died a long time ago.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
