It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
