when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
