Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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