Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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