i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
