I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He felt like a one man threesome
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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