I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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