Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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