you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
