"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
