wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize