White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
