Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
