WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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