I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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