btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
