oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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