Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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