hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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