Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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