i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
