I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
