As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
