never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
vagina is talking i cant
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
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