fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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