Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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