Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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