I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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