Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The Olympian is in my bed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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