During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
