im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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