Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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