I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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