In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
