I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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