I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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