My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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