you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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