mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
