im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
