Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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