Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
