Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
