So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
