The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
