you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
