I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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