just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
